What's worse than physical pain?
What's worse than nightmares?
What's worse than... Dare i say it... Memories??
Emotional pain.
I would have rather had a broken leg or something else. Emotional pain is all mental, and all in my head.
and that's the hard part because nobody can see it unless i tell them.
But each day is getting easier kinda. I'm almost done with school and then it's the future ahead...
Trusting God and leaning on HIM each and every day :)
I'm not strong...
To admit that I'm not strong is for me like telling a little kid that there's no Santa or there's no tooth fairy...
Truth is though...
I'm not strong. I still can cry at the drop of a hat, I still miss his smile, His laugh, the way he smells, and more. I still dream of him.
I'm not strong enough to move on. I want him back in my life and the silly thing is that He doesn't want me and I know that.
There's a couple of songs I've been listening to lately. I wish he could listen to them and he could understand them from my point of view.
'What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts
and "Here comes Goodbye" By Rascal Flatts
I've been so depressed and my whole world seems to be a mess. I can't seem to see what way is up. I feel like I could just fall down and not care anymore. I feel like I trusted someone and he threw it back at me,
I still want to be friends with him but the excuse I've been getting lately is that He's been too busy with school, etc.
I honestly wish sometimes that I didn't meet him. I don't understand why I'm going through everything,.
and then... After I've cried, I think to myself, I want him back and I'd date him again.
I hate this... I hate loving a man who doesn't love me back. He doesn't even care enough about me to even be friends like he asked. It doesn't even matter about everything that we went through, does it?
I pray every day for God's strength because I don't' have any left.
I dream of him. in my dreams, he kisses me and tells me it's going to be ok and that he's sorry and that he still loves me. Then I wake, and I realize that it was a dream and my heart is broken all over again. Each and every day is a struggle and I'm drowning...
Truth is though...
I'm not strong. I still can cry at the drop of a hat, I still miss his smile, His laugh, the way he smells, and more. I still dream of him.
I'm not strong enough to move on. I want him back in my life and the silly thing is that He doesn't want me and I know that.
There's a couple of songs I've been listening to lately. I wish he could listen to them and he could understand them from my point of view.
'What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts
and "Here comes Goodbye" By Rascal Flatts
I've been so depressed and my whole world seems to be a mess. I can't seem to see what way is up. I feel like I could just fall down and not care anymore. I feel like I trusted someone and he threw it back at me,
I still want to be friends with him but the excuse I've been getting lately is that He's been too busy with school, etc.
I honestly wish sometimes that I didn't meet him. I don't understand why I'm going through everything,.
and then... After I've cried, I think to myself, I want him back and I'd date him again.
I hate this... I hate loving a man who doesn't love me back. He doesn't even care enough about me to even be friends like he asked. It doesn't even matter about everything that we went through, does it?
I pray every day for God's strength because I don't' have any left.
I dream of him. in my dreams, he kisses me and tells me it's going to be ok and that he's sorry and that he still loves me. Then I wake, and I realize that it was a dream and my heart is broken all over again. Each and every day is a struggle and I'm drowning...
Four years
Four years ago, I wrote a post...That sad day, you can read it here....
My grandmother passed away.. That was a day id never be prepared for. and i'm still not prepared for it..
I'm okay. I still miss her so much.. I wanted to post some pictures of Her but have been so busy and don't have that many on my laptop of her. She was a special woman.
This last year, there's been so many times, where i have wanted to crawl back into her lap, and tell her my heart, Ask her what she though and when my heart was broken, i wanted her to cry with me,
I wanted to introduce her to Jordan, and Jordan to her. I wanted to tell her about my Degree. I wanted to watch her hold Hope like she did Rose and Grace. I wanted to see her fish in Canada. I want her back and that's not possible.
I miss hearing her voice, and I miss her hugs. I miss everything about her.
I love her.
Rosadella Miller.
This poem meant something to me....
My grandmother passed away.. That was a day id never be prepared for. and i'm still not prepared for it..
This last year, there's been so many times, where i have wanted to crawl back into her lap, and tell her my heart, Ask her what she though and when my heart was broken, i wanted her to cry with me,
I wanted to introduce her to Jordan, and Jordan to her. I wanted to tell her about my Degree. I wanted to watch her hold Hope like she did Rose and Grace. I wanted to see her fish in Canada. I want her back and that's not possible.
I miss hearing her voice, and I miss her hugs. I miss everything about her.
I love her.
Rosadella Miller.
Noah's 15th Birthday Party= Paintballing
Hey Ya'll! How's it going??
This wonderful Sunday afternoon we had my brother's 15th birthday party! I can't believe he's that old already! It seems just like yesterday that he was a baby!! But time flies when you're having fun.
We decided to have a paint-balling party! It was so much fun!! I want to do it again. hopefully soon.
I'll post pictures later if i remember,
We started out with planning for 10 people to play :Daddy, Noah, Noah's Friend Landon, Landon's dad, A Friend from Llama's and his dad, Nolan, Eric, Jordan and I.
Then Eric called me Yesterday (September 12th) and say that he was unable to play due to plans he had forgotten about. So that left us with 9 players!
Then Landon and his father got sick so that left us with 7 players. So it was fun.. We played at the Jordan's house. He supplied the guns and C02 gas and we supplied the paintballs. We played for about 3 hours! Lots of fun! Lots of bruises!
Totally worth it though...
Happy Birthday Noah!!
Cowboysgal
This wonderful Sunday afternoon we had my brother's 15th birthday party! I can't believe he's that old already! It seems just like yesterday that he was a baby!! But time flies when you're having fun.
We decided to have a paint-balling party! It was so much fun!! I want to do it again. hopefully soon.
I'll post pictures later if i remember,
We started out with planning for 10 people to play :Daddy, Noah, Noah's Friend Landon, Landon's dad, A Friend from Llama's and his dad, Nolan, Eric, Jordan and I.
Then Eric called me Yesterday (September 12th) and say that he was unable to play due to plans he had forgotten about. So that left us with 9 players!
Then Landon and his father got sick so that left us with 7 players. So it was fun.. We played at the Jordan's house. He supplied the guns and C02 gas and we supplied the paintballs. We played for about 3 hours! Lots of fun! Lots of bruises!
Totally worth it though...
Happy Birthday Noah!!
Cowboysgal
School is starting week 3!
Happy Labor Day everyone!
my goodness life has been crazy..
School started 2 weeks ago and taking 5 classes hasn't been as crazy as i thought it would be.
On Thursday, my car wouldn't start, again, and so i called my knights in shining armor, Nolan and Jordan Mellinger, to come help me. Which they did! and I'm so thankful. Unfortunately Nolan looked at it and was unable to fix it. I took my grandfather out to my car yesterday and he was unable to fix it yesterday also. Unfortunately i don't have the finances to just go out and buy a car or even get a car payment.
Jordan and I have been able to talk more this week and we've both asked questions that we both wanted to ask. Our Friendship is taking root, so things are going well..
Work has been busy. I just started to work nights, Friday nights instead of Saturdays. So i'll work Fridays from 9pm to 4am. It's going to be interesting, This past Friday night wasn't too bad, except that when i got home at 4, i didn't want to go to sleep. so i ended up staying awake until around 5.
I went to a wedding on Saturday, My Dear Friend Hannah Darling married her best friend Jared Kelley. Their wedding was beautiful. I wasn't able to go to the reception because we(Neenah, Emma and I) had to go to the llama camp out at the girls scout camp.
Ok well back to school..
please continue praying for Me, Jordan and my family and his family. I'll continue praying that anybody who reads this will be uplifted and blessed.
cowboysgal94
my goodness life has been crazy..
School started 2 weeks ago and taking 5 classes hasn't been as crazy as i thought it would be.
On Thursday, my car wouldn't start, again, and so i called my knights in shining armor, Nolan and Jordan Mellinger, to come help me. Which they did! and I'm so thankful. Unfortunately Nolan looked at it and was unable to fix it. I took my grandfather out to my car yesterday and he was unable to fix it yesterday also. Unfortunately i don't have the finances to just go out and buy a car or even get a car payment.
Jordan and I have been able to talk more this week and we've both asked questions that we both wanted to ask. Our Friendship is taking root, so things are going well..
Work has been busy. I just started to work nights, Friday nights instead of Saturdays. So i'll work Fridays from 9pm to 4am. It's going to be interesting, This past Friday night wasn't too bad, except that when i got home at 4, i didn't want to go to sleep. so i ended up staying awake until around 5.
I went to a wedding on Saturday, My Dear Friend Hannah Darling married her best friend Jared Kelley. Their wedding was beautiful. I wasn't able to go to the reception because we(Neenah, Emma and I) had to go to the llama camp out at the girls scout camp.
Ok well back to school..
please continue praying for Me, Jordan and my family and his family. I'll continue praying that anybody who reads this will be uplifted and blessed.
cowboysgal94
My Heart is breaking....
This is the hardest post I've ever had to do... even harder than telling you all that my grandmother had passed away. :(
On August 18th, at 4:32 pm, Jordan broke up with me. He told me it was because he didn't feel like he was giving 110% towards this relationship and that he didn't feel like his heart was in it for Marriage. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me...
I have a news flash for him though
he did hurt me. He hurt me by acting like he cared for me. I know him well enough to know that he never lied to me but deep down inside i do feel lied to. Because he keep it a secret that he had things on his mind. i wish he had told me there was things he was thinking about and i would have prayed for them with him.
I told myself last week and i'm still telling myself it every day. That if he wanted to talk with me, he has my number and text messages go both ways. he said he wanted to just be friends.
I don't want to be just friends. I really don't believe it;s over.. I want to wait for him. I really hope he does ask me back out but in the time being, i have to find my feet since he knocked them out from underneath me.
I still love him. He's such a amazing person and He was such a blessing for me. I really do believe that he's the one the Lord has in store for me. I'm just praying that the lord will put us back together and that we'll learn from this.
Please Pray for me this up coming weeks and please pray for Jordan and his wonderful Family.
Pray that i don't lose my 2 best friends.
Cowboysgal
On August 18th, at 4:32 pm, Jordan broke up with me. He told me it was because he didn't feel like he was giving 110% towards this relationship and that he didn't feel like his heart was in it for Marriage. He told me that he didn't want to hurt me...
I have a news flash for him though
he did hurt me. He hurt me by acting like he cared for me. I know him well enough to know that he never lied to me but deep down inside i do feel lied to. Because he keep it a secret that he had things on his mind. i wish he had told me there was things he was thinking about and i would have prayed for them with him.
I told myself last week and i'm still telling myself it every day. That if he wanted to talk with me, he has my number and text messages go both ways. he said he wanted to just be friends.
I don't want to be just friends. I really don't believe it;s over.. I want to wait for him. I really hope he does ask me back out but in the time being, i have to find my feet since he knocked them out from underneath me.
I still love him. He's such a amazing person and He was such a blessing for me. I really do believe that he's the one the Lord has in store for me. I'm just praying that the lord will put us back together and that we'll learn from this.
Please Pray for me this up coming weeks and please pray for Jordan and his wonderful Family.
Pray that i don't lose my 2 best friends.
Cowboysgal
End of Summer.....almost
Hey Ya'll,
So it's almost the end of July.... here's what's happened in the last month...
I turned 21 on July 2nd... It was just a "normal" day. My Boyfriend, Jordan had been sick for 8 days and we hadn't seen each other, so on July 2nd, I worked in the morning, and then in the later afternoon, went to camp to see Jordan.. It's was Great! We were able to go swimming and later visit with his family.. I got a purse, and the movie Soul Surfer from them. I told him to tell them that i didn't want them to get me anything but they didn't listen :) From my Parents, i got clothing which is what i needed :). It's funny how as a child you used to hate getting clothing and then you reach a certain point in your life where you LOVE clothes!!!!!!
On July 4th, i worked 1am-8am, and then i went to camp to have a 4th of July party with Jordan and his Family. I ended up sleeping in my car for about an hour before he was actually up. I had a blast that day. I love being around Jordan and his family..
Carroll County 4-H fair was from July 11-17... I was up there almost everyday.. :/ It's amazing how much everybody does. Jodi, Jordan's mom, is in charge of Llamas. Both of my Sisters were in llamas too.. I enjoyed the fair. Especially since it was the first fair that I've been too. :P
On July 11th, Jordan's uncle Joe got married.. and we attended, kinda :) Joe married Kathy and they got married at Camp... But that day was also the llama check-in. So we went to the ceremony and left before the reception. It's was a fun and busy packed day..
I'm done with my summer class and in just a short little bit, i'm going to go on my summer vacation. :)
Then it's home again, unpack and start school. :(
It's my last fall semester... I'll graduate next may. I can't wait!!!!
So it's almost the end of July.... here's what's happened in the last month...
I turned 21 on July 2nd... It was just a "normal" day. My Boyfriend, Jordan had been sick for 8 days and we hadn't seen each other, so on July 2nd, I worked in the morning, and then in the later afternoon, went to camp to see Jordan.. It's was Great! We were able to go swimming and later visit with his family.. I got a purse, and the movie Soul Surfer from them. I told him to tell them that i didn't want them to get me anything but they didn't listen :) From my Parents, i got clothing which is what i needed :). It's funny how as a child you used to hate getting clothing and then you reach a certain point in your life where you LOVE clothes!!!!!!
On July 4th, i worked 1am-8am, and then i went to camp to have a 4th of July party with Jordan and his Family. I ended up sleeping in my car for about an hour before he was actually up. I had a blast that day. I love being around Jordan and his family..
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| Emma and Gizmo |
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| Neenah and Rockin Robin |
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| Jordan wanted to wear this to his Uncle's wedding |
I'm done with my summer class and in just a short little bit, i'm going to go on my summer vacation. :)
Then it's home again, unpack and start school. :(
It's my last fall semester... I'll graduate next may. I can't wait!!!!
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| Watching Jordan cook at the Pork cook off on July 16 |
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| I just love it when i get this snapchat. :) |
Summer Busyness!!!
Hello Everybody. Enjoying your summer? Have some family vacations planed? :)
Some news
My best Friend Lauren found out that she's gettung sick again. That new was hard to bare but God has a purpose for all of it.
National Donut day was June 5th. We sold over 400 doz donuts in JUST HOURS.. That's 80 doz an hour and more than 10.5 per 10 mins. More than a doz per min!! No wonder i was tired.
On Sunday June 14th, My little sister graduated. I can;t believe it. She can't be that old already ;P
Some news
My best Friend Lauren found out that she's gettung sick again. That new was hard to bare but God has a purpose for all of it.
National Donut day was June 5th. We sold over 400 doz donuts in JUST HOURS.. That's 80 doz an hour and more than 10.5 per 10 mins. More than a doz per min!! No wonder i was tired.
On Sunday June 14th, My little sister graduated. I can;t believe it. She can't be that old already ;P
The Semester is over!!!
The Semester is over! Finally!!
This semester has been crazy!!
Over spring break, i flew to Virginia beach and coming back, they canceled my flight from Norfolk to Indy, So i flew into Chicago instead. I picked up an 8 week marketing class the week of spring break, so for 8 weeks i tried to work 17 hours a week and do 4 classes worth of homework, Fun? No.
For Easter, I went with Jordan to both of his grandparents house, and on Palm sunday, he came to mine.
Two weeks ago yesterday, I was admitted to the hospital. I had an abscess the size of a grapefruit on the side of my face. They ended up draining it and i stayed there from Wednesday-Sunday. So for the last two weeks of school, I haven't felt good and I've been off work. So I've had time to catch back up on my work. As of this afternoon, at 3, I turned in my last homework!! Yay!!!
I'm taking a summer class, but it's just payroll accounting so it's going to be fun. I'm also planning on work around 25 hours a week and spending lots of time with my Boyfriend ,Jordan and his family.
Here's some pictures!
This semester has been crazy!!
Over spring break, i flew to Virginia beach and coming back, they canceled my flight from Norfolk to Indy, So i flew into Chicago instead. I picked up an 8 week marketing class the week of spring break, so for 8 weeks i tried to work 17 hours a week and do 4 classes worth of homework, Fun? No.
For Easter, I went with Jordan to both of his grandparents house, and on Palm sunday, he came to mine.
Two weeks ago yesterday, I was admitted to the hospital. I had an abscess the size of a grapefruit on the side of my face. They ended up draining it and i stayed there from Wednesday-Sunday. So for the last two weeks of school, I haven't felt good and I've been off work. So I've had time to catch back up on my work. As of this afternoon, at 3, I turned in my last homework!! Yay!!!
I'm taking a summer class, but it's just payroll accounting so it's going to be fun. I'm also planning on work around 25 hours a week and spending lots of time with my Boyfriend ,Jordan and his family.Here's some pictures!
Lots has happened
So much has happened in the last couple of weeks. so much in fact, that i won't be able to remember all of it.
School first; I ended up dropping my Science class. I'm picking up a marketing class next week, over spring break. Everything else is going great. Econ is interesting and not my favorite class. I love my math class. and Business is ok.
As of this afternoon, My Cousin has a baby. Her name is Hope Roselynn. She's so cute. I'm going to be able to see them later this week, hopefully.
I got a new job. I'm switching from donuts to bookkeeping at my current job, which is Flour Mill Bakery.
Now the interesting news......
On January 2nd, I met a guy named Jordan. On January 21st, He asked me out. we've been going out 7 weeks tomorrow. On Valentine's day, we went out with his parents to TGI's Friday's. Then we went back to his parents house and watched "God's not dead." When He took me home around 11, on my parents back porch, he told me three words, 8 letters. "i love you". On February 20th, i was able to say the words back to him and mean it.
He's going to Purdue and has 3 years left. He's an amazing and wonderful guy. He means the world to me. I can see him in my future and I'm not planning on ever letting him go.
School first; I ended up dropping my Science class. I'm picking up a marketing class next week, over spring break. Everything else is going great. Econ is interesting and not my favorite class. I love my math class. and Business is ok.
As of this afternoon, My Cousin has a baby. Her name is Hope Roselynn. She's so cute. I'm going to be able to see them later this week, hopefully.
I got a new job. I'm switching from donuts to bookkeeping at my current job, which is Flour Mill Bakery.
Now the interesting news......
On January 2nd, I met a guy named Jordan. On January 21st, He asked me out. we've been going out 7 weeks tomorrow. On Valentine's day, we went out with his parents to TGI's Friday's. Then we went back to his parents house and watched "God's not dead." When He took me home around 11, on my parents back porch, he told me three words, 8 letters. "i love you". On February 20th, i was able to say the words back to him and mean it.
He's going to Purdue and has 3 years left. He's an amazing and wonderful guy. He means the world to me. I can see him in my future and I'm not planning on ever letting him go.
It's 2015
Spring semester has started, as of Monday. Today is Wednesday!
I'm taking 4 classes, SCIN 111. BUSN 201, MATH 123, and ECON 101. My SCIN 111 class also has a lab once a week. So far it's going great,
For the last 2 weeks, the bakery has been has been moving into Rossville so it hasn't been a normal workday, since most of it was volunteer. Yesterday, Jan 13, was the first day that the bakery was open at the new address, which is 5450 west main street, Rossville Indiana.
My friend Miranda and i have decided to run a 5k race in april.
see ya!
I'm taking 4 classes, SCIN 111. BUSN 201, MATH 123, and ECON 101. My SCIN 111 class also has a lab once a week. So far it's going great,
For the last 2 weeks, the bakery has been has been moving into Rossville so it hasn't been a normal workday, since most of it was volunteer. Yesterday, Jan 13, was the first day that the bakery was open at the new address, which is 5450 west main street, Rossville Indiana.
My friend Miranda and i have decided to run a 5k race in april.
see ya!
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