Loss of a loved one. My special Friend Sasha

Christmas was hard this year. With everything that has happened these last couple of months, I didn't except it to be easy but i didn't expect it to be this hard.

On December 26th, 2015, My cousin Sasha committed suicide. It's been very hard on her husband, her kids, her parents and all of her family. My wonderful cousin was 27 years old, married to her wonderful husband Cody for 7 years, has a 3 year old daughter names Ember and a 5 month old son named Gus.
She suffered from postpartum depression for years and this time she didn't feel like she could work through it.
Here's a little poem that i really like. Please enjoy reading the poem and looking at my favorite pictures of Sasha.

​The Dash
by Linda Ellis copyright 1996

​I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on the tombstone
from the beginning…to the end.

He noted that first came the date of birth
and spoke the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.

For that dash represents all the time
that they spent alive on earth.
And now only those who loved them
know what that little line is worth.

For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars…the house…the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.

So, think about this long and hard.
Are there things you’d like to change?
For you never know how much time is left
that can still be rearranged.


If we could just slow down enough
to consider what’s true and real
and always try to understand
​the way other people feel.

And be less quick to anger
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we’ve never loved before. 

If we treat each other with respect
and more often wear a smile,
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

​So, when your eulogy is being read,
with your life’s actions to rehash…
would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent YOUR dash?













Struggles

What's worse than physical pain?
What's worse than nightmares?
What's worse than... Dare i say it... Memories??

Emotional pain.
I would have rather had a broken leg or something else. Emotional pain is all mental, and all in my head.
and that's the hard part because nobody can see it unless i tell them.

But each day is getting easier kinda. I'm almost done with school and then it's the future ahead...
Trusting God and leaning on HIM each and every day :)

I'm not strong...

To admit that I'm not strong is for me like telling a little kid that there's no Santa or there's no tooth fairy...

Truth is though...

I'm not strong. I still can cry at the drop of a hat, I still miss his smile, His laugh, the way he smells, and more. I still dream of him.

I'm not strong enough to move on. I want him back in my life and the silly thing is that He doesn't want me and I know that.

There's a couple of songs I've been listening to lately. I wish he could listen to them and he could understand them from my point of view.

'What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts
and "Here comes Goodbye" By Rascal Flatts

I've been so depressed and my whole world seems to be a mess. I can't seem to see what way is up. I feel like I could just fall down and not care anymore. I feel like I trusted someone and he threw it back at me,
I still want to be friends with him but the excuse I've been getting lately is that He's been too busy with school, etc.

I honestly wish sometimes that I didn't meet him. I don't understand why I'm going through everything,.

and then... After I've cried, I think to myself, I want him back and I'd date him again.

I hate this... I hate loving a man who doesn't love me back. He doesn't even care enough about me to even be friends like he asked. It doesn't even matter about everything that we went through, does it?

I pray every day for God's strength because I don't' have any left.

I dream of him. in my dreams, he kisses me and tells me it's going to be ok and that he's sorry and that he still loves me. Then I wake, and I realize that it was a dream and my heart is broken all over again. Each and every day is a struggle and I'm drowning...

Wanna to read a big hit?