My Miscarriage Story

This has taken me a long time to write. Like really write... I started this back in December and here it is April. I've started it and stopped it. I've deleted things and add things. I'm worried that it will be too much information. I'm worried that it will feel detached. So I almost didn't want to write this post. Part of me wanted to just shove it under the rug, pretend it didn't happen and move on. The other part of me wants to tell everyone because I'm a people person and I heal by telling others.

On November 21st at 11 pm, I miscarried. I was 5 weeks and 3 days along. I had been bleed for a few days, so I knew that it was happening but it was still the hardest thing physically and emotionally that I have ever gone through. 

1 in 4 women will have a miscarriage in their life. I never thought that I would be 1 in 4. Actually, up until the day I found out I was pregnant, I had never ever thought that I would miscarry. I had friends that miscarried but it never crossed my mind. But what expectant mother thinks they will miscarry? According to my experience, The only expectant mother that thinks she will miscarry is the mother that has miscarried before. 

I've wanted kids for as long as I can remember. Honest, I think I started dreaming about having kids when I was 12 or 13. I have a bunch of older cousins that had children when I was in my late teens, and I couldn't wait to be a mom.

Last Spring, I went off birth control. Mostly for my migraines but also because Nick and I had decided to think about trying. Then in the middle of planning, life throws a curveball. I became self-employed unexpectedly and we weren't sure when would the time be right. 

In August, We "threw" out the condoms, in a way. My parents struggled with getting pregnant and my mom told me once that they tried for months with each pregnancy. My cousin also struggled. So I have also naturally assumed that we would struggle too. So in August, we said if we get pregnant, we get pregnant. But neither of us thought we would. 

At the end of August, My period didn't come, but I had a negative pregnancy test. After a couple of days, I talked to my mom about it. Life was super stressful at that time, with leaving my job and some family issues. After 2 weeks with no period, I went to my family doctor. She did an in-office pregnancy test and a blood test. Both came back negative.
Now it's the beginning of September, and I'm someone who has a super regular cycle. My Family Doctor told me that if my period didn't start in 3 weeks to all my OB-GYM. 
On October first, I called my OB-GYM and explained what had happened. I went to see her 3 days later. She said that she wanted to do some labs but she thought the problem was that I didn't ovulate because I was stressed. So I went on progesterone for 10 days to start a period and because I was in she called in some medication that helps you ovulate My Doctor is the same doctor that my mom goes to, so she knew all family history. She said that if we didn't get pregnant in 3 months that I should come back in. 
So we went on with our normal life, both of us thinking that it would take us a few months. 

November 6th, I had lunch with my mom and I told her that I felt different. I thought for sure I was pregnant. But I had taken a test and it was negative. My period wasn't due until November 11th. So I knew that it was really early. 
November 9th. We went to dinner with my mother-in-law. I still felt different but I hadn't even said anything to Nick. I really wanted to be pregnant but I didn't really think I was. I felt a little nauseous after dinner but I had a migraine and when I have a migraine, I get car sick. 
November 10th, I felt like crying all day. I felt like I had 2 different personalities. One personality said that I was 100% pregnant. The other told me that my period was going to start the next day. That afternoon after church, I took a nap. During my nap, I had the most realistic dream that my period started. When I woke, I wanted to cry again. Nick tried to cheer me up so we went into the office after dinner and we both played video games. But my mind was not on the video games. I felt so depressed. It was 8 pm when I went to the bathroom, My friend Sara had asked me to take a pregnancy test every day since I told her I thought I was pregnant on Wednesday. As I walked to the bathroom, I decided that I would take a pregnancy test, even though I know that it was late but I thought who knows. Let's take it. So I did.

It hit me like a ton of bricks. 2 pink lines. I could see 2 pink lines. I quickly sent a picture to Sara and was like "Do you see 2 pink lines? or are my eyes playing a trick on me?" She quickly messaged me back and said "I totally see them! What did Nick say?" As soon as she asked me this, I walked out of the bathroom and into the office, holding the pregnancy test up in the air towards the ceiling and I went "Nick, do you see 2 lines?" That folks is how I told my husband that I was pregnant. He kinda panicked. But he was happy in a panicky way. 

November 11th, I called my mom and told her the test was positive. That night at bible study, I told 2 of my friends. 
Nothing really happened throughout the whole week, we told nick's family and I made plans on telling mine on thanksgiving.  
November 16th- I told my dad. My dad had had a stressful week and he was out burning bush. I went out to talk to Him and told me that I was pregnant. He was really excited. 
November 17th, I told my little friend from church.
November 18th - I had my first midwife appointment. About 30 mins before we left, I went to the bathroom and there was blood when I wiped. I mentioned it when I was at my midwife appointment. She said that it was probably not a big deal but if I wanted to get an HCG level tested that she could arrange that. 
November 19th - I woke up to a lot more blood than spotting. It wasn't enough to get on a pad but enough to be there when you went to the bathroom. I went to get an HCG level tested. I was told to rest a lot and to keep my feet up
November 20th. I didn't do anything except to watch movies and sleep all day.
November 21st - I went for another HCG Lab test. The bleed had almost stopped by that evening and I felt better. So I thought and hoped and prayed that baby would make it and I was in the clear. But I had a dread down inside. Nick went to bed but I just tossed and turned all night. Finally, at 10:45 pm I decided to take a shower. While I was in the shower, I had a gush of blood. It was more blood than I had ever seen in my life. I got light-headed looking at it. I started crying. I knew what was happening. While I was in the shower, I started cramping extremely bad. I've never cramped like that before. I went to bed but had to get up almost every 30 mins to change my pad. I woke Nick up and told him what happened and we cried together. Eventually, we fell asleep. 
November 22nd- I went to work at a client office that morning because I needed to do something. Looking back, I thought maybe it would help, It did and didn't. I called the midwife as soon as the office opened and she confirmed over the phone that it did indeed sound like a miscarriage by then the blood had slowed so she didn't feel like I needed to come in. 
That night we went out to my parents, I told my siblings what had happened. It about killed me because at first you saw the joy on their faces and then sadness and it wasn't supposed to be like that. 
November 23rd - I called my cousin and told her. 
On November 25th, I flew to my cousins for Thanksgiving and told her girls. 

I know that's a lot. I learned a lot. I felt a lot. It gave me anxiety for months and while I'm not over my anxiety, I know that I will struggle when I get pregnant again, For the first few weeks, I couldn't even imagine being pregnant again. Now I'm too the point where I'm ok talking about it. I like talking about it. If it can help someone, then it will help me. I'm also ok with talking and planning on getting pregnant again. With the COVID-19, Nick is still wanting to wait a little longer and I'm ok with that. 

That's my miscarriage story. If you have any questions or if you're going through a miscarriage yourself and you need someone to talk to, please don't hesitate to comment and message me. Please. You don't have to go through it alone. I won't forget all those people who reached out to me to tell me that they know that they've been there before.